i have a question to ask..just basically myself i guess
i really cant figure it out though. so i guess thats why i am writing/*at this
of the night*/
what have i become? what exactly am i
what is my reason for doing things the way i do
what is it that i want to achieve with my life
where do i want to go
where do i want to be decades down the line
what exactly is my PURPOSE in LIFE
i seem to be getting nowhere with my wanderings and ponderings of my mind.
i see around me everyday
life
death
grief
joy
hope
distrust
most of all a squandering for survival.
my question is what is it that i struglle so hard for
why do i insist on surviving this next second so that i can write these
words flowing through my mind.
what am i achieving through this
i cant see any of where i am going to.
i dont see any of it...
i dont see where the kid next door is headed
i dont see where my friend is headed.
i dont see where my family is headed.
i dont see where i am headed.
i dont see where you are headed.
i dont see where we are all headed.
i dont mean to sound philosophical
i'm just pissed with life in general.
not that i mind my present life its excitement or lack in thereof
its just the morbidity of life in general is getting to me for some reason.
i am unable to point it out.
i dont feel fear anymore.
not in the real sense. i totally seem to have given up on that particular
emotion just like that hot-headedness which seemed to have been ingrained
in my persona once long ago.
fear now no longer seems like something i can fear.
i seem to ask myself fear over what.
when on a cliff or in a really half-broken speed boat in a mile deep vast pond
all i could ask myself was 'oh so its a possibility that i might die here
or physically injure myself.' my brain was doing its thing.....screaming at me telling me to act sane and get away from that cliff since i am naturally
petrified of heights. but i also seemed to have settled in perennial calm.
i was at perfect ease with a sheer drop behind me posing for a photo.
i mean I i say it again "I" was at not just ease but perfect calm ease with
having no support rail behind me on that damned cliff.
more like a volcano.since it was one might as call it one.
oh btw,its called ciater.
but i dont understand how i could just let all my life not matter to me.
i didnt care at that moment. i still dont seem to.its puzzling to me
i cant sem to find my nerve to say it aloud.
so i am writing it, as aloud as i can get.
so here goes.
life-
i dont give a shit about it anymore.
everyday seems like another anthill to build. and frankly i just dont feel like it.
i dont care what happens today.
i couldnt care more or less what tommorow holds for me
and well, yesterday has already past.
so well my question i guess.,
when did i become this person in the mirror. she looks familiar to me, but not me
anymore. i dont recognise myself anymore and i havent in a long time.
each time i realise this these days i am becoming claustrophobic.
so i am starting to wonder..
after stopping to fear what most great men have feared the most in the past
have i started to fear...dare i say... myself?
