ramdom could be the word

Its been so long since I've written anything that I can hardly fell what I'm writing now..Actually I cant see what I'm writing now coz its just a pour of words which are feeling an urgent need to cascade out all of a sudden.
I cant say I was very busy and that's the reason for not writing coz I really don't know the reason for my not writing be I was jus scared of writing because most the time when I start to write I get so immersed in it that reality quite fades away and I lose focus on what I need to do at that moment. It could be that or it could just be that I couldn't find words to write.
I've in this quiet mood for so long now and words are refusing to help me out in communication or expression. Its like a weird sense of doom enveloping and refusing to let go where one is stuck,suffocated but unable to let go.so u live on in that pit of darkness groping for a unseen hold.and things start to become worse.u lose your sense of direction and purpose.and all these emotions are enforced upon u with muting deal with seals for thought processes and therefore ur words.
words have always amused me.its like a addiction with me.when I find I do not know a word which someone uses I hunt like mad for a dictionary and learn all the different meanings for it and the process goes on coz when I open a dictionary I find painfully hard to shut it.sometimes I sit with it for hours and still might not be done.its like a link where one word leads to another and other to another and so on.as you meander in your thoughts with the words others come along and show u different possibilities and sentence structures.each word shows the levels of emphasis.its like a maze with one exit but many entrances.its quite weird that way coz when u enter in such a maze u should be able to leave through another entrance.coz logically when u have many entrances they all serve as exits as well.only in this case they don't.
and also the little I talk these days end up being pointless like this post.
may be its because I feel clogged with the atmosphere at school.it could be a possibilty.or it could just be me going into a shell for a reason which I'm unable to figure.
with all this I'm suddenly feeling a strong urge desire and passion to win. One so deep that its almost consuming me.i want to win beyond all reason,beyond all the distances,no matter what I face,no matter the strength of the opposition,no matter who I face.i don't care about the consequences.i want to win in each and everything.may it be an argument or a debate or even trying to overtake a car to get home a millisecond faster.
and so this is the first step I'm taking.i'm writing.forcing the reluctant words to flow once again and come to aid when I converse.it might a feeble attempt.but to me all that matters now is that I make an effort.
my quote -
"It matters not whether you win or lose; what
matters is whether I win or lose. "