the course of a river has many meanders...

i just came to discover that life is weird..
its annoying,its bloody goddamn queer. ]
but hey its just dandy for me.
I've lived it till now in far worse circumstances.i mean just analyse the number and the type of extra-ordinary horrible sticky embarrassing situations I've gotten into. my life now has none of it. it's just a calm smooth one.it has its quiet ripples. the ripples which propagate as waves which pass on the amplitude and increase radially outward, and finally fading to nothing.
(shit!!! i need sanity...physics ain't doing good to my system is it depper?!!...oh btw..i still don't get y u wanna call yourself that..)
ok anyway getting back to life..

and u know wat. right now, more than anything in this world, i want those situations back. yeah, they made me feel uncomfortable,queasy, got me into loads of trouble but hey! i had fun. i truly enjoyed every bit of each of them. they added spice to my morbid life. its not like anyone could get themselves into those types of situations. till date i am yet to find any person with the capability to do so. after a lot of thinking i came up with two reasons, for why other people can never get themselves into those situations.
1. i figured they don't enjoy it ( yes, i know...Du-uh!!!)
2. somehow, nobody i mean absolutely nobody is able to react as peculiarly as me.(*sigh* even i fail to comprehend how i come up with those unique expressions at he perfect timings...*siighhh*)

so anyway...
right now i feel life is boring. but yet again i know that its not true. for even this life has its challenges. only they are of a different kind. it is quite a big challenge for me to be very serious,sober about things. i still ask myself Wat's the point in doing so. and yet again i have failed to come up with an acceptable answer.
i have always wondered why is it that i do wat i do. and if let free without these rules and relationships and duties that bind me will i be any different?
someone once told me a quote -
"freedom has a thousand charms to show,that slaves,
however contended shall never know"
reading it, i was speechless for a while.
it slowly sunk in. i thought about it and its reality trickled its way into my head. I'm still amazed with it. it still moves me.but now its different. in a way it reminds me that I've grown up whether i like it or not.I've matured into a person from being a child. that innocence has let go of me, trusting me to find my own path.it also led me to think, that no matter how free i might think i am, i shall always be bound, if not by other people and things, bound by my own thoughts,ideals and morals. i will always be bound by me. and these binds are wat makes me wat i am.
therefore,i dedicate this post to everyone out there probing,testing the waters of freedom for a footage.

ramdom could be the word

Its been so long since I've written anything that I can hardly fell what I'm writing now..Actually I cant see what I'm writing now coz its just a pour of words which are feeling an urgent need to cascade out all of a sudden.
I cant say I was very busy and that's the reason for not writing coz I really don't know the reason for my not writing be I was jus scared of writing because most the time when I start to write I get so immersed in it that reality quite fades away and I lose focus on what I need to do at that moment. It could be that or it could just be that I couldn't find words to write.
I've in this quiet mood for so long now and words are refusing to help me out in communication or expression. Its like a weird sense of doom enveloping and refusing to let go where one is stuck,suffocated but unable to let go.so u live on in that pit of darkness groping for a unseen hold.and things start to become worse.u lose your sense of direction and purpose.and all these emotions are enforced upon u with muting deal with seals for thought processes and therefore ur words.
words have always amused me.its like a addiction with me.when I find I do not know a word which someone uses I hunt like mad for a dictionary and learn all the different meanings for it and the process goes on coz when I open a dictionary I find painfully hard to shut it.sometimes I sit with it for hours and still might not be done.its like a link where one word leads to another and other to another and so on.as you meander in your thoughts with the words others come along and show u different possibilities and sentence structures.each word shows the levels of emphasis.its like a maze with one exit but many entrances.its quite weird that way coz when u enter in such a maze u should be able to leave through another entrance.coz logically when u have many entrances they all serve as exits as well.only in this case they don't.
and also the little I talk these days end up being pointless like this post.
may be its because I feel clogged with the atmosphere at school.it could be a possibilty.or it could just be me going into a shell for a reason which I'm unable to figure.
with all this I'm suddenly feeling a strong urge desire and passion to win. One so deep that its almost consuming me.i want to win beyond all reason,beyond all the distances,no matter what I face,no matter the strength of the opposition,no matter who I face.i don't care about the consequences.i want to win in each and everything.may it be an argument or a debate or even trying to overtake a car to get home a millisecond faster.
and so this is the first step I'm taking.i'm writing.forcing the reluctant words to flow once again and come to aid when I converse.it might a feeble attempt.but to me all that matters now is that I make an effort.
my quote -
"It matters not whether you win or lose; what
matters is whether I win or lose. "

by george this is sad...
i utterly completely dont feel like writing.
i'm forcing myself to write this now coz....i dunno
i kno i should do some writing and not feeling like it is not good or helping my situation but then its not my fault. i'm one of those people who are extremely prone to mood swings.only in my case one mood comes over me and envelopes me in its entirerity. so if a weird mood looms around the corner especially when in school its very uncomfortable and obviously weird. for like i cant act weird in school especially when LC is crapping about some shit which i dont get no matter how hard i try.
and i feel weird all the more coz i totally dont feel like sitting there right then.isnt that the second time i used totally?
i knew it...damn...god save me.i'm using the same goddamn word twice.
repetiton is bad.very bad.damn. i should do something about this.there i'm using damn too many times.this isnt fair.i've been in this dumb ping mood for quite a long time now.it doesnt seem to be budging either.
i wonder exactly how do you change your own mood?
arent moods instinctive and impulsive?
they are spur at moments notice unnoticed by anyone right?
so how can one change them?
but then the main problem is not the mood but the fact that i havent felt like writing so like months now.
MONTHS...
and i dont know wat to do other than crap and whine about it here.
but hey writing this is a step forward right?
wah how should i know?
its not fair.life's not fair.
obviously my mood doesnt seem like leaving even now for i can see that i'm not making even the tiniest bit of coherent thinking and its shown pretty well in my writing.
but i'm gonna do this for this is the first step and i have to do it anyway.
it takes courage to write shit and post it.
i like this quote:
courage isnt always a roar, most of the time its a tiny voice that
says i'll try again tommorow.
thank you i know its lovely coz its by me...

My friend has spurred this post. So I guess this is for her.
A difficult enough thing as it is to deal with all aspects of a issue I’m going to attempt to do it.
Its more like to give or not to give… are we encouraging begging by sparing our money?

I think its dumb to part with your money because a kid on the street looks at you pleadingly… I mean for god’s sake get a grip. The money you are parting with isn’t even going to reach her in the end. Ever so rarely does the kid get to keep what she/he has begged (I was nearly gonna say earned ..sheesh its already getting difficult).
According to her its dumb because the kid is begging because she has no other choice and there is no point in saying she/he should find work in our country…
I say what use is it to part with your money which in the end is going to help some guy beat up that kid and help him buy himself a drink…
You can argue saying that there could a chance that it might actually help the kid but here you have to be reasonable and realistic. Even if the money helps the kid it’s a rare and infinitely acute possibility. Even if you are the type who thinks positive the gravity of the situation cant escape you…

To sum up according to my friend, they beg because they HAVE to. Because to feed their family they need money. And because they really cant find any viable work in our country.
To sum up according to me, they beg for their families fine. They gulp their dignities to do it fine. But ultimately the family is rarely the benefactor and that is so not fine. For,
one I think we have better work to do than earn money to donate to them. Second even if they cant find employment where you usually find them unless they are handicapped they can definitely find gainful employment where manual labour is concerned in construction sites, or in the vast oceans founds to surround India where fishing is very much possible to quote a few .
Third even if you are the positive thinker who feels it might by grace help a family, shouldn’t you consider the aspect of why there is a family in the first place.
Fourth begging is prohibited.
Fifth I might agree with you if the person is handicapped.
Sixth people do pay if you do their laundry or rake their gardens or
sweep their homes and these I consider certainly better occupations than begging.

May be I am far too critically inclined but I guess it cant be helped for I cant stand it when people say someone is helpless. You aren’t helpless unless you think yourself to be and with that nobody can disagree.

Another year has come to pass. (may be I should say academic year).
Funnily I can’t seem to remember much of it. In fact I remember very little.
The sad part of it is that this is my last year in school, after this the only things that are going to be with me are going to be memories.
Whether sad or happy or of something obscure and weird they are what are going to be left…
And I don’t seem to have many.
In fact I am able to recall very very little of my school life. I can’t seem to find instances where I had fun, became embarrassed, had heart attacks, or having cried.
It’s kind of weird. Very weird.
I have studied in the same school for 12 years now and I don’t have any memorable moments in these 12 years of my life… and 12 years is a long time in anyone’s (human)
standards. I remember the people who I had come across- my friends, teachers, coaches, seniors and juniors…but not what they were, where I met them, how I became acquainted to them (not much of it).
And my sense of blankness in memory only heightens invariably when my friends in class cite instances from their school life.
They seem to have no problem in recollecting how they were five years ago or what happened in class three years ago. They seem to have a plethora of instances to narrate.
I listen calmly but later on the stifling feeling that I can’t remember anything returns and suffocates. Funnily enough nobody has so far noticed that I don’t have much to say about those instances in my life. Well what can I say…
*sigh*
I hope to carry some memories atleast from this year when I graduate but I guess I wouldn’t know until later on…

This is my response to blank noise.
This is for those who don’t know what it is (who I think should know)
Blank noise project:
Blank- that which is not allowed meaning, form or articulation. Noise- that which heightens , builds itself. Eve Teasing as the name suggests, is considered a joke, a prank. Eve Teasing is street sexual harassment. The project seeks to recognize eve teasing as a sexual crime and establish the issue as something that may be normal, but is unacceptable.
I am happy that something is being done at last.
But my mirth stops there.
There my ire begins.
They have taken long enough to do something.
…but the worry is it really a solution if in the process the rights of a woman are curbed. Is the purpose really achieved? Can she walk on the streets as herself?
Why should there be a question about women having to change their clothes, changing the way they dress and clothe themselves, the way they portray themselves to be to others, to the world? Why should they? Why the hell should we?
They say clothes define a man (notice it says man) and if that’s the case then how she dresses is her own right nobody has the right to tell her this is how a woman should dress. This is what is acceptable. This is what is right for her to wear, for they have no right to tell what she should wear…no bloody right.
Why on earth should they put up the clothes they wore when they were molested so that those kinds of clothes can be marked and barred. They are clothes aren’t they? they have been liked and chosen haven’t they? That woman who wore them bought them because she liked and wanted to wear them didn’t she?
Then isn’t it reason enough that those kind of clothes shouldn’t be marked.
Isn’t it reason enough that that man who finds its luring, provocative should look away if he finds himself attracted to her beauty and her body.
[ Of course she is beautiful, she is a woman and you when you find yourself staring (or if you don’t ) when you see her uncomfortable shouldn’t you look away? ].
Isn’t it reason enough that those clothes are accepted as they are because she likes to wear them, because we are a democracy, because we have to let others be as they are, because we don’t have a right to force our views on others, because we have to appreciate her individuality, because she above all is a person.
So when she walks on the roads which belongs to her as much as it belongs to those who stand and stare, those group of guys around the corner or in front of the café leaning on their bikes whistle at her, that man who walks on the pavement brushes past her
as though it’s the most natural thing in the wide world, that spectacled tight lipped man in the stiff collar thinks she should wear clothes which are more in accordance with our culture like a salwar with a dupatta.
Who are you to judge her.
Why do you judge and rate her.
How would you feel if you were stared at and rated…
What if she were asked to choose what you wear, if she were to decide what you can wear, if she for eg. said that those baggy jeans and half torn rugged looking t-shirts make you look like you are asking for it so you should wear a full hand checked shirt and ironed cotton pants. Would they agree? Would you agree?
So should she?
Then is it right that you tell her?
Don’t give a stupid excuse that its hugging her luscious curves. For god’s sake she is a woman , women have curves. And if you are lured by lust you should look away shouldn’t you?... oh yes I forget don’t i. men don’t have to look away ,its her who is feeling uncomfortable so she should look away right? She should cast her eyes elsewhere…she looks away oh oops she finds another guy staring.... May be should just look down at…. What?
What is there for her to see? The pavement? The blocks on it? The squares which makes it up? The cement? The dirt? The trash? The spit?...
There is nothing for her to look at.
It is you who should look away for women should be able to walk on the streets with their head held high. Not eyes downcast cowering in fright like what it used to be in the olden days.
What can she do that can provoke you…lets see..mmm….yes one she can wear those clothes you say which show more than cover..which we just discussed above.... or she can ….?.....ah yes she can tell you on your face to turn your head to another direction in her own words depending in intensity of how much you managed to get on her nerves….this we neednt bother discussing…its too obvious that you had it coming. If you don’t think so please go see a doctor immediately. Its very rare that a woman yells a at a man if he doesn’t deserve it. (even if you say it might not be his fault those cases are rare).

Then the question which remains is ‘why do these accidents occur?’ .
They occur because man cant control his desires and lust.
They occur because he doesn’t make an effort to control them.
(if you say he does make an effort then…what kind of effort is it when it doesn’t even have a tiny bit of effect in it?).
What is the solution?
Simple really… if you hurt me.i will in return hurt you. I will physically injure you.
I wont forgive you for your deeds for I aint Christ or mother teresa.
I will use my pepper spray on you.
I will claw at you and fight you. And if I by chance I am able to lay my hands on a weapon like a knife I will use it on you. And I wont be wrong in doing so for I will be defending on attacking.
Do you see anything wrong?

its exams again....
*sigh*i havent studided a thing as usual.its the eleventh hour now and i'm kinda waking up to the fact that i know nothing.
[i never really figured why its called the eleventh hour. i mean a day has 24 hours even if we follow the 12hr pattern nobody is going to write a exam(or do sumthing other thn....) at 12.]
its kinda annoying cause i figured some weeks ago that if i tried to do sumthing i might somehow know sumthing...or even finish the portions for one exam atleast
*sigh*
well,its not happening and yes, that is why i've given up temporarily and am sitting here writing this.
*sigh*
i'm going cuckoo.oh btw. i've written three exams already (having so far around 107 massive heart attacks,50 mild ones and around 30 nervous breakdowns.)
its still counting...so if i'm not alive by the time the exams are over i
would expecta bouquet of flowers from you.
(one of white roses,one of mild yellow ones..the yellow ones are kind of jatang..u kno wat i mean,one of tulips the lavender ones..again the purple is very jatang and one of some nice hill flowers those tiny ones which look cute).

i have no idea why but i just have to write about this ...that too now.
(dont think dirty stuff already).
i wanna write on women's liberation and rights.
(dont bang your head yet...there's lot more).
some days ago in a shittable group i saw this poll.quoting it as well as can i can remember : "would progressive men marry a woman who's not a virgin."
i reread it to make myself sure.
and my anger was already rising.
i mean like who the hell are men to think they are higher mortals than women.i nearly sent a hate mail to that group.(note:nearly ...i didnt).
it just stayed at the back of my head...gnawing at me all the while and its still there.
there are two things i got angry about.one how can people who live in today's world yelling for women's lib. create a poll saying would men marry... if that's the case then where does the women's right to choose her husband come in....how can you treat her as though a commodity for a man to pick and choose.
second what does a woman being a virgin or not have to do with you marrying her... and that too progressive men. if men were progressive then his question would never rise.just think about it. if a guy and girl are dating seriously for some years.they really love each other.the guy wouldnt say no for they to sleep together.he would infact welcome the suggestion.but he's definitely not sure that he is going to marry her.so would he stop to think that if he slept with her that some other progressive man wouldnt marry her.and even so why does the question of it being a woman come in .shouldnt it be that a man too should a virgin...how come that part of it clearly softly unerringly undoubtedly smartly and non-chalantly left out.
its as though it totally doesnt count.i mean why would be a question men are just higher mortals.
i waited calmly for sometime.the thought raging in my head.i am still waiting to send a lashing mail to that group.but thats not the point.
more than everything what really set me off was the fact that the poll had people answering to both sides.
people actually said no.
and that too 50% of those who had voted.thats exactly half.it just means there are so many people out there who still think in this constricted manner about women.and there we are thinking that women are being liberated in rural areas...may be i should say i thought so...i didnt expect women to be totally liberated.. but atleast comparatively somewhat better than during the olden days..but now i have my doubts over it.
if we here in the city, those of us who are progressive having enough to afford the computers and the net and other services... we who are educated in accord wiht the modern day worls, we who are exposed to the realities of life, we who know that women's lib. is important(i hope that we know) actually have doubts about whether its progressive for men to marry women who mightnt be virgin's...just what is the plight of women who live in backward areas of life...

and the best part is yet to come.. most of those who voted saying no were guys.(to the best of my knowledge).
if you are asking what i did.... i didnt do anything.i didnt vote.it was too disgusting to even see the poll.according to me it shouldnt even be a question ...leave alone answering it.
its totally a women's own right to decide for herself on everything...
i wonder if it were will progressive women marry men who arent virgins would the answers have the same from those guys who had voted against it...